Five Components of Constructive Conversation

Are you talking to the other person but the conversation does not end your way? Let's change it today.

Whether at work, in a relationship, or simply in everyday life situations, communication is an important element of our lives. The quality of your life depends on how well you have mastered communication skills.


The basic element of conversation is thinking about how what you do affects the present and future. Ask yourself, what is the purpose of this conversation?

Do you want to share your experiences with another person? There is definitely a benefit to share positive experiences with another person. It can strengthen the bond you feel for one another.

Be careful when you share your emotions consciously and subconsciously. Did you have a hard day? It's okay, everyone has them from time to time. Think about how your complaining about the unpleasantness you have experienced that day affects you and the other person.

The past is history, you can't change it. By complaining, we remind negative emotions and transfer them to another person. To not do it, try to say, I had a hard day, but the day is not over. I will relax in the bath, and I will end this day my way, positively. You can't change the past but you can influence how you perceive it or you can focus on bringing positive moments into your life.


  • Personal development is good.

  • Thanks to my personal development, I understood how to talk to my other half and now we argue less.

Two sentences with a similar message but a completely different effect. Be precise in what you want to tell the other person. You can use an example to specify your message.

Be careful when you use words like always, every time, etc. When you speak, you are always mean to me, you generalize the behavior of another person. Say, you hurt me when you said in the morning that I looked nasty. When you talk about specific behavior at a given moment, you talk about facts. In this case, it will be easier for you to find an agreement.


Listen and observe.

A successful conversation depends on the listener paying attention as well as on the speaker articulating. Let the other person speak. Ask questions to keep the conversation going. If you keep interrupting the other person's speech, they may think you are not interested in their opinion.

Put yourself in the place of the other person. Not only listen but also observe body language. Is the other person tense, relaxed, bored, interested, or absent? What is the reason for this behavior?

Adapt yourself. If you see that the person you want to talk to is tired and sleepy, maybe a good idea would be to take a calmer tone and talk about less complicated things this time.

Behavior or Personality

If you see that your child is taking care of their pet, will you say you are great or you are doing great ?

If your friend splashes a child when he drives through a puddle, will you say you bastard or what you did was rude ?

Note that we can comment on either the personality or the behavior of the other person. The difference is that behavior is easy to change and personality is not.

When we talk about a personality we are talking about a whole set of elements of our psyche and behavior. When we talk about a specific behavior, we are talking about only one element of a whole set of elements of our psyche and behavior.

By referring to specific behavior during a conversation, you increase your chances of getting along.

Mutual Benefit

What is good for both sides?

If you argue because you want to go to the cinema for a romantic movie, and your friend for a comedy, what then? Find a solution. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. In my case, I choose the movie once and the other time, my other half does it. Even if sometimes we didn't like a movie, we are happy that we could spend time together.

Whatever it is, remember that spending time together is more fun than arguing and doing what you want, alone.

Read more:

  1. Francesca Pridham, The Language of Conversation, 2013

  2. Rocci Luppicini, Handbook of Conversation Design for Instructional Applications, 2008

  3. Cecilia E. Ford, Barbara A. Fox, Sandra A. Thompson, The Language of Turn and Sequence, 2002

  4. Arnold H. Buss, Social Behavior and Personality (Psychology Revivals), 2014

  5. Thomas W. Isaac, Social behavior and personality, 1951

  6. Marsha Linehan, Cognitive-behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, 1993

  7. Icek Ajzen, Attitudes, Personality, and Behavior, 2005

  8. Paul Warren, Introducing Psycholinguistics, 2013